Before I had a publisher lined up, I was just another writer. I had great ideas, although more often than not, it would be warped into a plotline for a role playing game. I loved storytelling, for the same reason I love telling my son bedtime stories; instant gratification. My words meet friend’s ears, and characters react immediately, often in ways I couldn’t predict. Keeping in mind that I’ve gamed with some of my friends for over fifteen years. You’d think predictability would come, the way it can sneak into a relationship, but when character meets peril, all those smart things you’d think you’d do during the Zombpocalypse slip away like ghosts in the trees, and you’re left wearing a pink tutu and singing Jumpin’ Jack Flash without being sure why.
I can no longer hide behind my “writer” shield. As my friend Chris told me yesterday, “We all knew this was going to happen eventually.” As though my place among the paperbacks was foretold, and merely waiting for me to pluck my destiny free of the stone it was stabbed through. I am floundering a bit, in this strange world of becoming. My story is in the hands of my publisher, but it is in process. I have decisions to make now in regards to when I am published. Do I get an audio book? Do I look into making my e-book available in paper? What’s the next story on the table?
It was easy to stop and look at the top of the mountain and wonder what I would see when I got to the top. It is much harder to look out upon the land beneath me, and pick what I want to do next. A life’s goal is a big deal, and I think sometimes makes a great paper shield to hide behind when we have few defenses. Now I’m not sure what happens next. There won’t be a book tour because there are no paper books. At least, not yet. And I’m not positive what will happen when my book is finally released. There are more unanswered questions now than when I first wondered what becoming an author would be like.
Now that I have stepped on the path, I keep waiting to be graced with this knowledge. It’s seductive to step off the path and go back to where I started from. I’d only pass this way again, in an endless loop. It seems forward is the only way to go from here.