Artax

I didn’t see the pattern until December 31st. Before that, there was a random string of events. It is the pattern that causes me the concern.
Suicidal tendencies, no matter who is showing them, tends to be disturbing.
It started with a friend from high school. Her husband decided it was over. His decision to leave her drove her into a frenzy that included imbibing a bottle of prescription meds. That is not why I stopped talking to her. However, that was the pebble that got the avalanche rolling.
I received a phone call from my ex boyfriend. He apologized for calling me, but he had nowhere else to turn. I spent the next hour wrestling him out of his funk. I listened to a revisionist history of our friendship, and didn’t correct him. I was afraid that if I did he would go and hurt himself. That was not the reason I stopped talking to him, but it was the smashed window that let the flood through.
A friend of mine committed suicide. There was no warning for me, there was just the aftermath. Strangely, I am more accepting of his decision then I would be with anyoone else, but the pain of his loss still stings.
Recently I told a friend goodbye. It was necessary because we did not see eye to eye on almost anything anymore. I don’t like politics becoming a point of contention, but if the other person is not willing to compromise for you then there is no compromise. In his final email to me he said that it was better that I let him go because he was going nowhere good. He said that soon the sun would rise and he would not be here.
These friends of mine, the living ones, were really people who I should have let go from my life before now. They were toxic people who used me for their reasons. I’m sad to see them go, and I am sorry that they want to die, but I have realized something out of all this. I have realized that if you are feeling suicidal, it’s the world’s way of giving you a hint that you’re doing it wrong. If something is so wrong in your life that you would rather be dead then deal with the problem, you have to get professional help. Your friends want to help you, but if you’ve reached this point, they might not be able to help. You need to acknowledge that what you are doing does not work, and then find something that does work.
Obviously this is a many pronged issue and it is impossible to distill such a simple idea out of the nimbus of human suffering, but my observation is no less real for that being true. My friends consist of the demographics of being mostly white, mostly over 30, and mostly married or divorced. These are not people who are destitute, homeless, or in some way mentally incapacitated. These are people on the easy setting of life. The fact that they have come to a conclusion that it would be easier to be dead then deal with what is in front of them makes me very sad. I have had a moment like this in the past, but I was a teenager. There is nothing that they should not be capable of overcoming, no reason to feel so overwhelmed with their life.
I hope that whatever happens next in their lives, that they have this epiphany; that they go forward realizing that they can overcome the problems in their life. I also hope they understand that they’ve left quite a trail of devastation in their wake while not figuring this out.

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